when the edges of summer are closing in and the winds are shifting ever so slightly, i begin to get this short skip in my heart. an actual gasp and short of breath. almost like the ruffling of wind that went through my then-long hair, it now just passes over my nearly shaved head and catches the dead leaves at my feet. and i pull my jacket closer to my stomach. keeping my hands clutched in a fist, all inside the pocket. and i know its autumn. and i know that things are different. and i know that youre just some kinda faded mystery inside of me. reasons given and maybe one too many, i still look for you in everything i see. and try to explain it and try to come up with superficialities about why im like this or why i cant "move on". thats what i do. i make excuses and i make reasons. and this time of year, i think im making even more excuses and "but..'s" than ever. because, my dear, i miss you. and its been almost a year since last december when you decided you had had enough and needed something new to fill yer heart with. so now, nearly a year later, im back in the same town for a short bit and i feel..i dont feel myself. everyone and everything has changed. and i made a point to drive by the old house where, for a short time, you were mine and i felt complete. we spent so much time and so much energy. like it was just the two of us. very rarely did we have anyone else. hardly ever were we in the company of other souls. and for me, it was enough. i just wanted to look at you and to hold you in the dark. and we spent our time doing silly things..and im sorry i never was the most exciting of boys and oh i do apologize that i wasnt enough to hold interest. but i was content to just be with you. i was content to have a movie become our sole entertainment for the night. and we would simply come home. and you might have showered and more than likely we would have made love and held one another in the stark silence. god you always felt so perfect in my arms. and the next day would come, and walking out to my car i almost wanted to push you down into the soft pile of leaves and just fall on top of you there. and i had been hoping wed be laughing so hard and burying ourselves in the dead foialage and then wed just kiss like crazy. and after a bit, maybe reach our destination. but always feeling complete. and it was dark and it was cold. but i was in love with you. and for a time, i knew you were in love with me.

and it was enough. it was never perfect. sometimes it was far from perfect.

but yer love was enough.

and a year later, the emptiness still has not gone away. i never hear from you, except a small hello or candy-coated update on the pains in yer life. and i know that youre close to others now and my involvement in your life really isnt needed. im just another boy from yer past. but no matter what, ill never shake the fact that that autumn was the most beautiful time of my life. ever. i will never forget you. ever.

and when the days grow darker and colder and when the wind makes me feel like my hair should be long again, ill think of you. and smile.